Does Your Child Reflexively Say “No”?
Do you feel like you are constantly arguing with your child? Does your child say “no” to even the simplest requests? Would your child rather take a punishment then do what you ask them to do? If you are nodding along to these questions, then you might have a strong-willed child.
Strong-willed children often get labeled as “defiant,” “non-compliant,” or “difficult.” These labels can be hard for us to hear as parents, when all we want is for our children to be loved and accepted. Perhaps you as the parent are also having these thoughts. “Why is my child so difficult?” “Why can’t my child just listen?” But what are we really asking our children to do when we ask them to listen? We’re asking them to acquiesce to our wants, our needs, our desires. We are asking them to put aside their own wants and do whatever the adult in the room wants to do. Strong-willed children find it very difficult to be inauthentic. To do something they don’t want to do just because someone tells them to goes against their core beliefs about themselves. It’s asking them to be someone they’re not. For strong-willed children, their highest priority is staying true to themselves. They like to look inside to see what is true or right. Saying “no” in response to a request is giving them a moment to process, to discover “Is this something I really want to do? Or do I want to do something else? What feels right to me?” If you think about the “no’s” in this way, you can see what an important skill this is. To be able to look inside ourselves for the right answer? To take a moment to decide if something is truly in our best interest before acting? What a gift.
Think about it this way. If you have an adult or peer in your child’s life who is asking them to do something dangerous or wrong, would we want our child to be reflexively compliant in that moment, or would we want them to take a second, process, look inside to see what feels right, and then make a decision? We’d want the latter, of course. So in that way, strong-willed children just have a better developed sense of themselves and who they are. This is such an excellent skill that should be celebrated. Perhaps when our child is reflexively saying no, instead of doubling down and escalating, we can instead say, “You’re wondering if doing xyz is what is best for you.” Then we can pause and see how they respond. Perhaps we may also offer a reason for the request. “I’m asking you to put up the dishes because it’s important to not leave dirty dishes out. It attracts bugs.”
Try to remember that strong-willed children are not trying to be difficult. They are not trying to make our lives miserable even though it definitely seems like they are sometimes. Every child just wants to be loved and accepted, but how they go about getting these things is different. For strong-willed children, what feels right to them is autonomy, independence, and figuring things out for themselves. Saying “no” reflexively is a way that they can stay authentic to who they are as a person. If you stop to remember that the “no” responses are a way for them to be authentic and look inside themselves, it might take away some of the anger you feel when your child does not immediately acquiesce.
If you are parenting a strong-willed child, then you are probably exhausted. Constantly feeling like you are arguing, explaining yourself, or feeling like your child never does what you ask would take an emotional toll on anyone. If you are feeling depleted, tired, and are not enjoying life as a parent, then it may be time to reach out for some support. Parenting is truly one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever do, it makes sense that you may need some help and guidance from time to time. Start feeling empowered in your parenting instead of drained. Schedule a free consultation today.
For further reading about parenting strong-willed children, see here and here.
