Could the Things that Annoy You About Your Child Actually Be Their Greatest Strengths?

Look, I get it. Having a strong-willed child can be very challenging. You may feel like you are constantly saying “no,” constantly correcting, constantly getting onto them. Over time, it can make us feel like something is wrong with us as parents or with our child. I often have to educate the parents I work with that there are indeed some children who are harder to parent than others. There are children who continually keep doing the things that you just told them not to do because they want to. So if you’re struggling to parent, it’s probably because your child is indeed more difficult to parent. So then what to we do as parents?

What if we re-framed this behavior of “not listening” into something else? Essentially, “not listening” is when a child continues to do something you just told them not to do, or doesn’t do something you asked them to do. We say, “You’re not listening!” “You need to listen!” But it’s likely that they are “listening,” they are just choosing to do what they want to do instead of what you’re telling them to do. So, what is this at it’s core? Well, it’s perseverance, grit, it’s being a go-getter, a goal-setter, someone who gets after it.

For a strong-willed child, they hold their values close to them. They have their goals and they stick-to-it until they reach them. And yeah, that can be a challenge to navigate as a parent. But at it’s core, it is a deep belief in themselves, their own desires, and their wants.

Raising children, especially girls, we want them to have this belief in themselves and their own feelings. We don’t want them to just “do whatever” because someone told them to. We want them to look inside themselves, to discover what feels right to them. In psychology, we call this term self-efficacy, and it’s one of the most important feelings and traits that a person can have. To have self-efficacy, you have a belief that you can do what you are setting out to do. Someone who has self-efficacy can take cues from their own body and their experiences to craft a plan for a desired outcome.

So as parents, if we can re-frame our children’s “annoying behaviors” as traits that will serve them well in the future, we can develop empathy for them. Empathy leads to understanding. Understanding leads to less anger. There is research that shows that strong-willed children often grow up to be succesfull adults, which makes sense, as those with a strong will are more likely to keep working towards a goal, even when it gets tough.

If you are struggling with a child who is difficult to parent, reach out, I’m here to help. For further reading about parenting strong-willed kids, see here.