Parenting Strong-Willed Kids
If you’re reading this post, you probably have a strong-willed child. Perhaps your child has an agenda that they need to get done, and you and your parenting strategies are only getting in the way of said agenda. Perhaps you feel like you are constantly correcting or saying “no, don’t do that.” Perhaps you are in a constant battle with your child who refuses to agree with anything you say. Perhaps you are sick of your child sneaking around or lying to get their agenda done. As a parent to a strong-willed child myself, I can empathize and relate. Parenting these kiddos is not for the faint of heart!
Parenting my fire-cracker is one of the reasons that I focused on becoming an expert on parenting. I had to do so much learning and research on how to best handle situations that were coming up in my home. I discovered that there are so many parents who are struggling with similar parenting conundrums in their homes. If you are one of those parents, you’ve come to the right place. Here is what I’ve learned through research, training, and good ole’ trial and error :)
Facts about Strong-Willed Kids:
Strong-willed kids are secretly sensitive. Although strong-willed kids can come across as self-assured and confident, underneath all that bravado can be a sensitive kid. Oftentimes their nervous system can go into overdrive when they don’t get what they want, and tantrums ensue. When something upsets them, they may double down and over-react. For these kids who can dysregulate easily, it’s important to highlight their sense of safety and to help them feel heard. Remind them that you are on their side, their “team,” and that you’re trying to keep them safe.
They are goal-oriented. Remember that when your child isn’t giving up on their agenda, it’s because they are goal-oriented, have grit, and aren’t going to just back down because someone tells them to. In adults, this is a great quality to have. It usually means high achievement, higher education, higher incomes (see study). But in children, they can often be labeled as “difficult,” “stubborn,” or in girls, the dreaded, “bossy.” I like to remind myself that my child isn’t “difficult,” she has just set her mind on something and wants to get it done. In re-framing the behavior from a negative (i.e. “difficult”) to a positive (i.e., “goal-oriented”) it is easier to have patience and empathy.
Strong-willed kids often feel their integrity is being compromised if they submit to another person’s agenda. Why would they want to work on your agenda when they are working so hard on their own? Remind your kiddo that you are on their side, you are working as a team. You are asking them to do something because that’s what the team needs right now. See if you can get their buy-in on what needs to be done. It’s not that strong-willed gets won’t comply, it’s that they need to feel that it’s their choice to comply.
Tips for Parenting Strong-Willed Kids:
Set consistent boundaries and routine. When a child knows what to expect, and the expectations don’t change day to day, it’s easier for them to follow the rules. Come up with the boundaries that are important in your house. For example, maybe you have a rule about electronics usage, needing to do homework before play, or eating at least one vegetable on the plate. Remember that even though holding boundaries can be hard on the short-term (Like how many times do I have to say ‘No TV’?!), in the long-run it really benefits your family for children to know and understand what the rules are in the home. It promotes a feeling of safety and familiarity for these kiddos who can be easily dysregulated.
Give them some control. Remember our strong-willed kids are working on getting their agenda done, so giving them a little control over what is happening in the house can go a long way towards feeling safe and secure. I like to offer two choices when I can. “Do you want toast or cereal for breakfast?” “Do you want to watch TV for 30 minutes or play your Nintendo for 30 minutes?” “You can either color right now or do a puzzle.” Often times, they’ll say that neither option is preferable, and then I just validate, “Man, you really want to do [x,y,z] right now, but we can’t because of [x,y,z]. I know that is such a bummer! I would be bummed if I were you too. Let’s figure out if we can do either [option 1] or [option 2], and then tomorrow we can try [x,y,z].”
Praise the good. For so many of our strong-willed kids, they are often reprimanded. “Don’t do that.” “Stop doing this.” Over time, they can start to feel like they are the “bad kid” or always in trouble. And remember, our strong-willed kids are secretly sensitive, so positive praise can go a long way in improving self-esteem. I like to encourage parents to “catch your child doing something good.” Perhaps it’s helping their younger sibling get a snack or saying something nice about a friend. Look for all the good and praise it when you see it. That way, we are highlighting the behaviors we want to continue, and the narrative around our child’s behavior isn’t always negative.
Remind yourself that this strong-will in childhood will do such great things for them in adulthood. These kids are goal-driven, passionate, creative, problem solvers who are going to stand up for what they believe in and aren’t going to succumb to peer pressure just because everyone else did. There’s research that shows that kids who are rated as more disagreeable in childhood go on to have more career success in adulthood. And this makes sense, because these children know their worth!
Remember, these tips aren’t always going to “work.” Sometimes your kid’s agenda is going to be so strong that no amount of good parenting is going to change it. If you’ve tried these tips and are still struggling, reach out, I’m here to help.
