Struggling to Do It All
OMG, the amount of effort it takes to be a working mom is absolutely insane (this is a topic I feel strongly about, clearly). As moms, we’re expected to basically “bounce back” from growing and birthing a baby (and keeping it alive) after 12 weeks. I’m not sure who came up with that arbitrary amount of time. But after having two children, I can say confidently that it was not a woman. And in this state (Texas), we aren’t even guaranteed 12 weeks. For so many working moms, they aren’t given any maternity leave, which means they are expected to either come immediately back to work following childbirth or stay at home with no pay. The struggle is so real.
I remember going back to work after my first child and fielding so many, “But where is your baby” questions. At first, I didn’t understand where this question was coming from. Like are you asking if the baby is home alone, because obviously not! But after being asked this question multiple times by multiple people, I finally figured it out. “Oh, everyone is expecting me to stay home with the baby.” The expectation was: You should be staying home with your new baby, not be at work. These types of questions were not something that my husband ever had to answer, and therein lies our double standard. It’s ok for men to go back to work, but women, they should be home.
For so many of the moms I work with, they either feel guilt about not spending enough time with their baby or guilt about not going back to work. If you go back to work, you feel judged for leaving the baby. If you stay home, you may feel like you aren’t using your skillset or the degree you worked hard for. You may feel like you’re going to “fall behind” professionally, or you won’t be able to come back to your field if you stay home too long. For so many moms, they have to really struggle with making a choice that feels like a lose-lose scenario.
So what do we do if we are struggling to do it all?
I’ve found that these are helpful tips and tricks for working moms
Set Realistic Expections: No one can really “do it all.” At any given moment, you are probably failing at something. If you’re killing it at work, you probably aren’t being the most “present” mom. If you are being super mom, then work is probably taking a backseat. Release yourself from the unrealistic idea of “doing it all” and redefine your expectations to try to do one thing well a day. Perhaps you are going to write the best work email, finish a project, or do the best bathtime routine anyone has ever seen. If we can redefine what success is, then perhaps we really can “do it all.”
Share the Load: If you’re reading this post, then it is likely you are a working mom. If you’re a working mom who is doing all of the work at home as well, then something has got to give. So often it’s the moms who are in charge of carrying the mental load for the whole family. Scheduling doctor’s appointments, filing paperwork, managing school schedules, cleaning and organizing, creating the social calendar. All of these things swim around in our brains, which makes it quite difficult to thrive in any area. See if your partner can take a few of these things off your plate so you can focus on your priorities. Sit down and divvy up the chores to make things more equitable. Hate laundry? See if your partner can take that one.
Remind yourself that being a working mom is modeling to your children the importance of working towards something, setting and achieving goals, and contributing financially to the wellbeing of the family. These “life lessons” are priceless.
Build a support system around you. Connect with other working moms who can truly understand your experiences and provide validation, reassurance, and practical suggestions.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to “do it all” you are not alone. Seek support from a psychologist who specializes in parent support and perinatal mental health.
